Got it . . . .

Very soon this pain will be over....

"Am a man I used to be! Sorry for making you hurt!
Good night and live strong..." - Freespirit 9/10/2010

PAIN OF EXISTENCE

Someone told me that jealousy is my very nature...
Agree or disagree, none of it could be me.
No one could define who I am
I love intensely and my hatred is forever
A wise man spoke once...
" One must stop permitting oneself to be eaten when one tastes best,
this is understood by those who want to love long."
I never regret a moment I got hold of that Stockholm syndrome.
My mind, body and soul were captivated and yet an enduring love, respect and care stayed.
A strong love and day by day hatred...
Never lover ever friends, this is where our story ends.
I love me because I have loved you...
my bittersweet friend...
TODAY I DECIDED TO LOSE YOU AND FIND MYSELF.

Have you ever felt this way?

Crazy it seems that I have been very paranoid what others think about me these past few days? Do I look like a pathetic fat loser to them? My, my, my, what have I done to myself? I dont want to look like one but sometimes I feel that way... so this saying is indeed right "you are what you feel you are" This issue is an eternal recurrence ...... It will eat me over and over again. I thought I love myself too much to feel this way... Hello pride come back to me. I want to feel good about myself again....... I still insist that I dont care about what they say..... I am what I am and I'm still on the process of struggling towards authentic existence. If I will be a slave of "others opinion" I'm still part of the herd..... Nietzsche may come to rescue me.. I want to be alone and be crazy for a day so I have an excuse to do whatever I want... This sadness is killing me.. Please let me die..

PAGBABAGO

Mahirap ang magbago, well maliban sa weight ko na rapid ang pagbigat.. mahirap talaga ang magbago. Bakit nga ba mahirap ang magbago? Simple lang, mahirap iwanan ang mga gawing nakasanayan. Kaya putik kahit anong reklamo natin sa mga dinadami nating boss, walang mangyayari dahil mahirap ang magbago.. Isa lang ang di magbabago at iyan ay kung ikaw ay isang empleyado, kahit baliktarin ang mundo, magleave ka man ng isang linggo siya pa rin ang boss mo, walang pagbabago. Isang gawaing paulit ulit na nakakasawa, pero sabi nga ng isang magaling na HR business partner na nakilala ko, " if you feel this job is not for you, well its time for you to shift ". Madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Kahit ilang libong beses mo ng sinabing magreresign ka, di mo magawa. Mahirap ang magutom lalo na kung may nakasangkay sa iyo na isang malaking responsibilidad.. hehe! Mahirap ng ibenta pa ulit ang sarili, nakakasawa! Kaya ano na lang gagawin mo? Di ka naman pwede magleave ng isang taon.. hmmm... eh di magbago.. Teka mahirap nga magbago di ba? Isa lang ang alam ko, ako ay taong may isip, may kalayaan, at alam ang responsibilidad na nakapatong sa kalayaan na iyon. Chos!

its not you... its me....

"Relasyon Relasyon Relasyon Pampadami ng Populasyon"

I have never been with a long relationship, when I say relationship the common scenario of having a so called girlfriend or boyfriend. Except for my best/boyfriends I have never been attached with a guy for more than 3 months. Yes, my longest official relationship lasted for 3 months and that was 5 years ago. But since I was so into friendships I have witnessed different kind of dealings between a boy and a girl… meron ding between boy and a boy… wla pa naman between girl and a girl. HEHEHE!

Recently I have been sadden with another struck of reality. Irony of relationships dismays me.

Characters: Ano and Ana
Status: long term relationship
Ano is a classic bolero. Parang wlang masamang buto sa katawan ika nga. Ano is a too good to be true kind of person. You can’t help but doubt, totoo pa kaya sinasabi netoh? Ana is bored with what they have and she continues to expose herself with possibility of having other relationship with other guy. Oh my…!

Characters: Tangerks and Tangorks
Tangerks a girl who is so experimental gave chance having an affair with Tangorks a certified bad ass. Tangerks always think of getting out of the relationship realizing that in the end it would hurt her. Tangorks continues to flirts and always makes Tangerks realize that there’s nothing wrong with it. Stupid woman! Hahaha!

Characters: Koya and Ati
Status: married.
Koya is so irresponsible, he only give 1500 a month to his wife as a financial support. Koya is a typical feeling binata, mabisyo; he drinks, smokes and into gambling too. They got married because of Ati’ s unintended pregnancy . Ati is now jobless and just depends on the support of her siblings in raising her son. When we last talked, she still wants to save the marriage for her son. How sad?

Characters: Mr. and Ms.
Status: long term relationship
Mr. is a Classic bolero as well. According to him he loves Ms. but he cheats on her. When I talked to Ms. who is by the way 5’9 and has a beautiful body, she doesn’t have any idea that Mr. is not faithful to her. She seems so in love with Mr. She said that Mr. is so sweet, always wants to be with her and so kind. Mr. even cooks for her, wash dishes, helps her family in the farm. My gosh girl, kung alam mo lang kung gaano kababaero ang jowaers mo. Hahahah! Sweetness can be deceiving huh?

I don’t know… I hate infidelity. I’m trying to rationalize things but unfaithful people sucks big time. But who am I to judge, I’m not perfect, I’m prone to cheat as well. But that’s how I feel. Today I went home during my lunch; lie down in my bed for hour thinking about how to eradicate this annoying feeling I have. I remembered the time when my mother had a mid age crisis, she reconnected with her ex. I was so stressed; I cried very night because I really hate what she was doing. I had written a poison letter for my mom expressing my grief. Kung mababasa niya lang yun baka bumaha ng luha sa sobrang sakit ng mga salitang ginamit ko sa kanya. Anyway I did not give it to her; thank God I still have my head during that time. Eventually her romance with his ex fades away like a fart.

Contentment is very hard to find, there will always be something missing with what we have in all aspects of our lives. If one is not contented and one does things to be fulfilled in any means that one chose to, good or bad would that be wrong? But who will determine what is right or wrong? Is it the society, is it the church, or our innate conscience. Morality is stipulated by man, man is not perfect, and morality suggests no perfect rule. Freedom and responsibility is the key. Know no limits, push yourself towards authenticity and be conscientious! Whatever happens it is “ I” who is held responsible!

"We bear the whole burden of responsibility for our choices, whether trivial or momentous and whatever conditions under which they are made."

Moving out again...

I’m soaked!
Issues with my parents really stressed me out.
They have many questions, many expectations, and many suspicions.
Too much of these words in a person's paradigm really destroy any relationship.

Those were the days...

Makakabili ka pa ba ng pisong pansit? Baka kahit pambili ng kalamansi di na kakasya ang piso. hahahah! A picture of my lolo Genaro with his friends. Awww.. I'm not sure what year. Hulaan niyo na lang. Basta ang alam ko he died on 1997 at the age of 60+. Hehehe!